Once Upon A Lonely Time .

I have to admit that I'm that type of person who enjoy being surrounded by familiar people. I feel safe by knowing that whenever I'm in a fragile state or having conflicts with my own thoughts, I have this particular circle of people who will keep me accompany. Or I can just conclude this by saying that, I need friends. All the time.

You see, I was being raised in a warm and cosy family, who everyone loves talking with each other, making jokes, having fun and all those fun stuff. I'm always in the condition of "Hey don't worry I got your back" or "You know whom to run to if you want a shoulder." So I was never afraid of failing or feeling dejected because I know I have a strong support system. My backbones. My Family. But of course, as I walked into the phase of becoming the rebellious and she-who-knows-everything teenager, I started to drift apart from my family because I thought I was gonna be strong alone, and mostly, I got my friends. Friends whom we thought would always got our back and jump off the cliff together, whom we thought are far better than those who claimed to be 'the best listeners', our family, which of course, are the actual best listeners.

I spent most of the time with my friends, talked about mostly everything. Family matters, relationships; be it love or friendships, the hottest hunks, books, foods, the secret of the most secret secret in the world of secret, girls' stuff, artists, anything. Everything. And I would've been lying if I say that I never paid attention to my friends more than my own family. Because for us youngsters, we are blinded by the sugar-coated and vague rhetoric that friends know us better than we know ourselves. Having bunch of people that think you're better to act or behave in certain ways because you look kinda cool like that (even when it is actually not) or people who think that it's okay to barge into someone else's life if they're messing with yours, or those who persuade you to commit disgrace acts but would still say that you were born to act in such ways. We feel safe to be surrounded by people of our age because they know how it feels to fall in love with a guy, how does it feel to have a shoulder to cry on, or to get sugary life advices (which most of the time, are merely driven by emotions, not logics). We thought we are happy that way. And I once thought that it's better to die than to be left alone without any friends.

As I grew older, as I met various kind of people, I've learned one of the biggest lessons in life. To stop being clingy. I can say that I may be lucky that I've met people with the most annoying personality, the most unpredictable personality, the most dangerous personality, or the most weird personality. I ran into a good actress who pretended to play cool and friendly in front of me but bitching (sorry for the offensive word, I'm still pissed about it) about me behind my back. Friends that took advantage of my weaknesses or kindness (if I really have one haha). Friends with benefits, and by benefits I mean in terms of assignments and grades (people, please). Friends who forced you to believe that the answer for the most perfect getaway is 'fun'. I was afraid of losing friends. I was afraid of being alone, being seen alone. I hated being a lonesome.

But then, I changed. As I realized that losing friends is part of a living, I've stopped being the clingy, overly-attached girl who cried when her friends left her uninvited to a small gathering. I became a person that thinks it's better to lose 1000 friends than to lose your own unique identity and becoming someone that is totally the opposite of you, just to fit yourself into a clique. Now, I only stick to my favourite people. I talk to the same best friends that I have since nearly eight years ago, I cry on the same shoulders, I laugh at the same lame jokes, I eat the same favourite foods, and if I ever made new friends here in UPM, there are only five of them. I'm becoming more careful in choosing with whom I want to share my secrets, with whom I'm gonna tell my stories. I'm becoming more demanding. I became a choosy, selfish person. This time, I'm no longer afraid of being alone.

Regardless of everything, none of us really realized, or maybe never gonna realize that at the end of the day, after the worst day, worst lecture, worst test, worst meeting, worst food, worst movie, worst breakup, worst tudung, worst shoes, worst weather or even worst stomachache, we will eventually go back to where we are supposed to be; our family. On the verge of breaking down, it has always been our family that really got our back. And the best of all, as long as you're a human, believe me, you always have Him.

We're not afraid of being alone. We're just afraid of the idea of being alone. Because we were already alone in our mothers' wombs. And eventually one day, we're gonna be six feet under, alone. So don't be afraid of being alone. Because everything will get better after it went wrong.