My Wonderwall .

I have always be that kind of person who won't let a problem triggers my sensibility. I hide all my problems away, somewhere far even I can't even reach for it. My mouth won't seem to let out all the words of frustration and so I often swallow all the bitter truth by convincing myself that things shall pass, and by the time you are no longer bounded by emotional thoughts, you'll realize that life is trying to give you lemon, not a grenade. I pretend things are fine, and that I live a normal and happy life, not wounded by any painful circumstances, though I know without having to try, nothing is fine. I have always lived like that.

This morning, I realized that hiding any wound behind a grin or smile won't always work. I came to realize how miserable I have been all this while. People would easily assume that I lead a joyous life and that I am lucky to always paint my face with smiles, rather than frowning. I have told you mostly about the pain but in a very subtle but convincing way. The truth is, it's an irony. I have always told you to look at things positively, there must be reasons on why things won't work out the way you want it to be. You have been the best kind of listener, you gave wise judgments, you stood for what you thought was right, you told me everything would be fine if I looked at things differently and from all sides and you made my life less painful by letting me believe that nothing couldn't be solved. You helped me to find Him and rely everything on Him for He has solutions to every single thing. You have been the best ears to my endless rants and the best mouth to my needing heart. And now that you are gone, it feels like I've lost half of my comforting fort. The walls are prone to every pain and now I am lost and drowning, trying hard to reach for the surface, because all this while your hands were the buoy that kept me floating and alive. Every time a bullet penetrates through these over-flowing vessels, I feel so in need of your presence that used to wrap those agonizing holes. And now that you're gone, I am alive, but nearly lost,

This morning, I had a rough start and I have never been so down like I did this morning. Maybe because I've always tried to hide my tears and couldn't care less about my problems but I'm merely a human. And so I buried my face in a piece of cloth that you gave me, my favourite jersey. I inhaled the unfamiliar scent, deeply, because I was trying to reminisce all those comforting words you used to give me, the moment it touched my skin. My tears came rolling down like a flowing river but I let them dried on the soothing fabric. And suddenly it felt like the heaviness of my world was slowly being untangled from my whole self. The invisible vines that were suffocating and strangling me went away together with the tears. And I found my courage back, the moment I inhaled the air again, gasping for the memory of you. You have been my courage and so I won't let you bring it away from me the moment our time froze. So I find my own comfort that you gave in the past and reliving it by building my own fortress. It's going to be hard, but I have to keep on living in my own comforting circle. Although I sometimes couldn't stop myself from trying to look for you and spill everything to you like I always did, I realized that now is the time to be bulletproof. 

If you are reading this, hear me. You are not my best friend but you are the best of friend I have ever had. You are my wonderwall. And I do realize that you are no longer around but your presence has given me the best strength to keep on facing the harsh and beautiful reality. Thank you, to whom it may concern. May Allah bless you forever and for always.