The Past Won't Let You Win

I always think that the words "What if..." will be spoken in such a despairing way to show how I regret over something that has been done. So I will always destruct my mind with the words "What if..." , "I regret" , "I wish I could..." and so on. I've once told myself thousands time how I wish I could turn back the time so that I won't be where I am right now. I assumed that if I could go back in time, I could change everything and make it right all over again. But now, I think I regret most of the words I've been using.

Allah don't give us burden just to make us weak. It's not like He would ask His servant to suicide,and moan all way long, but the test that was given by Him was the way He would like to see His servant enhancing our Iman. So I am completely wrong to regret my life of the past because there's no way I can stand where I am now IF I didn't learn from my past.

My past was all wrong. I willingly threw myself in a life, in a story sequence which I created by myself. Being with someone when you're too young to do that, so all you have was nothing. I don't know why am I having such gut to risk myself in a story that I didn't even knew how it would end. I was too happy to be in the story. Too happy that I couldn't even find a reason why I have to end up everything that seemed so fine, seemed so perfect to me. So I drag myself throughout the story when actually, it didn't seemed that fine. I was being murdered in my own fantasy and from that moment, I lost my own self.

I didn't know for how long I've been weeping. Yes. I WEPT everyday, every night, every second that I nearly ruining my life. I was forcing myself to believe that I was such a loser, I live for nothing, I was such a waste of space and I'm not the right person to be loved. I felt useless and abandon and I think why the hell should I live if everything was so sickening. I was too ashamed of myself and my friends for I was being dumped. I felt worse day by day and from that very moment, I started to learn to hate people. The words that I often said were "What if...", "If..." and "I regret".

And now I realized that I've been wasting all my days and nights weeping for something that was nothing. It's better to cry for Him than to cry for him. Why the hell should I regret everything when they are the reason of who I've been today.

And guess what, I'm stronger than what you've been expecting, 

For at least, I could forget MY PAST and be a NEW PERSON today.

STRONGER and HAPPIER.

p/s : Your past wouldn't always let you win. Try to get over it. LEARN from the past not LEAN on it.